I have sat down to write this post what feels like a million times over the past few months. But the words just wouldn’t come.
At first, there simply were no words.
Not a single one.
And then slowly, I began to see the words in my mind, but I just couldn’t get them to land on paper (or I suppose on screen would be more accurate). So rather than force it – I decided to just leave it be and I took a break.
I know you’re all probably thinking, “Umm…duh…yeah, we noticed.”
It wasn’t a planned break. It wasn’t even a welcome break. It was more of a necessary break.
A you need to take a breath and focus on yourself kind of break.
So I took my break. And I took care of myself. And I watched a lot of Netflix. A LOT of Netflix. And I’m finally starting to feel a little bit more like me. A little bit more like I have some things in order. A little bit more like it’s all going to be okay.
I’m finally feeling like I have the courage to tell you that Jordan and I have separated.
Alice and I will be staying in the house, and on the surface things look much like they always have. But in reality, everything has changed. It’s been an adjustment in so many ways, but I’m doing my best to just roll with it and keep my focus on moving forward. Some days go better than others.
I suppose I was naïve in thinking my marriage was unbreakable. It never once occurred to me that it could actually end. I am guilty of worrying about a lot of things – but that one never seemed like a possibility.
And yet here we are.
I can’t even begin to tell you the roller coaster of emotions. Anger. Grief. Fear. Confusion. Bitterness. Sadness. Shame. Denial. Acceptance. Strength. You name it, I’ve felt it. Sometimes all within the same day. Sometimes all within just a matter of minutes.
And most recently I’ve noticed a new emotion creeping in. It doesn’t stay around long, and I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on what it is exactly, but I think it might be a little bit of hope. Or maybe it’s excitement. Or it could be relief. Or maybe it’s a little bit of all three. Whatever it is, I’m glad it’s there, encouraging me to keep looking forward instead of back.
So you can see why blogging just dropped to the wayside.
Because how do you talk about your life (even if it is mostly talk of throw pillows and a love of antiques) when you all of a sudden find yourself living a life you no longer recognize?
How do you talk about all the things that make your house feel like home, when your home is literally disintegrating before your eyes?
I tried. I really did. I even considered carrying on as if nothing was happening behind the scenes over here. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It wouldn’t be fair to you and it wouldn’t be fair to me.
For a time, I pondered whether I should ever even blog again. My domain expired, and I came really close to just letting it go – but I had a change of heart at the last minute and decided to renew.
And I’m glad I did, because little by little, I’ve been feeling the spark of creativity start to fire. I’ve found myself browsing Pinterest again, and catching up on all my favorite blogs, and flipping through that Pottery Barn catalog night after night. I even spent some time last weekend switching things up around the house to welcome in the fall season.
And you know what? It felt good.
I have no idea what is in store for me, or this blog, or anything really. But I’d love to share the journey with you. So let’s see how this goes.
We’ll talk soon friends!